I've been working on this now for like 2 days. Which maybe isn't a lot, but I'm unlocking a part of my brain that I haven't used since I was about 10 or 12 on Xanga and Myspace. Hopefully, things will get better-looking and working.

Anyway, this week has been sorta....odd so far. I just got out of an outpatient program almost a week ago, and I shockingly enjoyed it. I feel like it helped, but I'm scared to make the first step to the rest of my life, you know? I wish I was better at taking charge of things. Plus, I have health issues that are going on, and I honestly feel fine right now, but they haven't been fully diagnosed yet. (I've been working on getting an appointment for 5 months, and the referral processing has just seriously fucked me.)

What if it's something super bad, like Liver cancer, and by the time I get in, it's worse than it was when I started? It's just not a fun thing. I know I have a tendency to worry. I don't think I really have, but everyone around me seems to be worried about me. I can't even keep a job or move out. What if something is seriously wrong and I am never even able to get my life jumpstarted? I don't even mean that in a depressing way; it feels like a real question.

In the program that told us to write things that we are grateful for, I thought maybe I could have one of those dorky gratitude journals, but I shopped online and in person, and I couldn't find anything I liked. Either everything was corny or too much. So I thought maybe instead of forcing myself to do something like that every day, I could do it whenever I post on here. I say this, but let's see if I ever actually implement it.

I plan on starting Uber Eats driving or something like that to try and make some money on the side. I don't know why, but it scares me even though I know realistically that there isn't really anything that can go wrong. I plan on doing this in the next week or two (I've got to hype myself into it first). Hopefully next time I post on this or in a month or so I can tell you I did it lmao

What are you grateful for?

• computers
• my friends
• nephew and his cute little laugh
• weed drinks lmao

What am I listening to?

What am I reading?

Raw Dog by Jamie Loftus

Edward Dando Wikipedia Wrticle (highly reccomend)